Dating
Yesterday I hade a "date" with Cs, he invited me to a teahouse - but it was me who chose the place. I suggested to go to the "Cave of the Green Turtle", which is run by one of the Hungarian ex- pop-stars, who btw wrote a song which's title was "Sad Samurai" (it is quite a moldy one if you ask me :-) ). He is also said to have tea houses with the same name in New York and Tokio. Maybe I'll drop by in August when I am in Japan :-)
Anyway, we had some special spicy tea, I had a bacon toast and Cs some chocolate cookies - and then we started to talk. About all sorts of emotional and spiritual issues that we have been going through recently. Although we get on very well and live well with each other, some serious issues are still not solved yet, even tho I tried to apply the good old "patience, time will solve it" method. But it seems that some things just do not work that way.
We still agree on that after I return from Japan and I get financially in balance again I need to go away for a little while which will be a sort of "retreat" for me, so that I can rearrange my thoughts and my feelings and see if I want to live in a relationship at all or if I want to live alone. Beside my need for an understanding and manly partner, I am quite a lone wolf too, which means that private sphere would be very important for me - it has always been. I need to disappeare from the world time to time for a longer or shorter period of time and to be alone.
I have always been like that.
This "retreat" will be a sort of mental rehabilitation for me, and I can also try out what single life is like. I have never lived alone - as soon as I finished highschool at 18, I left my parents' house and moved to Cs and his parents' house so that we can be together, as we lived a few hundred kilometers away from each other. Now I am turning into 32 in October. 14 years - too much.
I really think that in order to live a healthy life as an adult you need to be able to stand on your own feet without support. I have never had to do that and I think it is not healthy. I have to be able to survive alone too, and not only physically but emotinally too. And if it goes well, only then you can live a healthy life and have a healthy relationship.
The way things are now is everything but balanced and good, and I feel it is getrting worse and worse as years go by. I have already been thinking about jumping into the baby-project as well in order to "tame" myself, hoping that once the baby is there my attention will completely turn towards the baby, the family and my wanderer-mind chills down. But giving it more thoughts I am more and more afraid that even this would not help and I would just create a prison for myself, at the end of which the child would pull the shorter match. And also Cs. said - and I agree with him - that you cannot make a baby just to use him/her for your own interest, that is real selfishness and there will be no true love towards that living being. So I deeply agree that by having a baby I would probably just cause more problems for myself now.
I am hoping that this retreat will help me a lot and what I really want will lastly get revealed for myself too.
It is good that I can discuss things like this with Cs. and that he understands and lets me go away for a while. What is more - he encourages me to do this. You can very rarely find this attitude in your partner in a "general" relationship, because they usually take it as a sort of personal offense, or at least they think you have a problem with them. While the problem is usually inside (in one's self) and not outside (in the environment or people around you).
Anyway, we had some special spicy tea, I had a bacon toast and Cs some chocolate cookies - and then we started to talk. About all sorts of emotional and spiritual issues that we have been going through recently. Although we get on very well and live well with each other, some serious issues are still not solved yet, even tho I tried to apply the good old "patience, time will solve it" method. But it seems that some things just do not work that way.
We still agree on that after I return from Japan and I get financially in balance again I need to go away for a little while which will be a sort of "retreat" for me, so that I can rearrange my thoughts and my feelings and see if I want to live in a relationship at all or if I want to live alone. Beside my need for an understanding and manly partner, I am quite a lone wolf too, which means that private sphere would be very important for me - it has always been. I need to disappeare from the world time to time for a longer or shorter period of time and to be alone.
I have always been like that.
This "retreat" will be a sort of mental rehabilitation for me, and I can also try out what single life is like. I have never lived alone - as soon as I finished highschool at 18, I left my parents' house and moved to Cs and his parents' house so that we can be together, as we lived a few hundred kilometers away from each other. Now I am turning into 32 in October. 14 years - too much.
I really think that in order to live a healthy life as an adult you need to be able to stand on your own feet without support. I have never had to do that and I think it is not healthy. I have to be able to survive alone too, and not only physically but emotinally too. And if it goes well, only then you can live a healthy life and have a healthy relationship.
The way things are now is everything but balanced and good, and I feel it is getrting worse and worse as years go by. I have already been thinking about jumping into the baby-project as well in order to "tame" myself, hoping that once the baby is there my attention will completely turn towards the baby, the family and my wanderer-mind chills down. But giving it more thoughts I am more and more afraid that even this would not help and I would just create a prison for myself, at the end of which the child would pull the shorter match. And also Cs. said - and I agree with him - that you cannot make a baby just to use him/her for your own interest, that is real selfishness and there will be no true love towards that living being. So I deeply agree that by having a baby I would probably just cause more problems for myself now.
I am hoping that this retreat will help me a lot and what I really want will lastly get revealed for myself too.
It is good that I can discuss things like this with Cs. and that he understands and lets me go away for a while. What is more - he encourages me to do this. You can very rarely find this attitude in your partner in a "general" relationship, because they usually take it as a sort of personal offense, or at least they think you have a problem with them. While the problem is usually inside (in one's self) and not outside (in the environment or people around you).
I am lucky to have a serious spiritual practicioner as a partner, because he can rise above his own interest and can see and accept when unconventional solutions are needed for a problem.
3 comments:
Its good that you're making progress and creating a plan for dealing with things in your life. So many people just kind of sit around and let life happen to them. Sometimes it takes courage to break the inertia and take a bit of a big step towards your own evolution. I should really take this as my own advice to myself as well. :-)
I hope that your things get sorted out too. I wish you strength and persistence for that :)
And when you feel you are at the very bottom and it cannot be worse, let me know, I send you a bottle of Palinka (remember?) - that will certainly knock you out enough to forget about all your sorrow. For a while. :-P ;-)
Nice reflection. As my own bio says, I'm still trying to figure out the meaning of life - but probably more accurately would be to say I'm still trying to figure out the meaning of MY life! I turn 40 this year (gasp!) and I still have trouble looking back and feeling good about what I've done up to now.
An unsettled spirit is a hard thing to tame - believe me.
The thing I've found funny is that the more I keep struggling with trying to discover just who I am, the more my life just seems to unfold in a direction that is more of a natural evolution - husband, father, friend, protector, provider, and so on. Even my employment choices seem to follow a natural order that supports those roles. Yet, I still struggle with my own wishes on how I want MY life to be.
Funny how that works...
From one wolf to another - keep your nose up wind and your tail wagging.
Cheers!
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