It's been a year!

I started blogging exactly a year ago. Looking back at the time that passed by since then, I have doubts if blogging had any point at all. Of course sometimes it was very good to write things off my chest, but the entries I post are always far from complete. They reflect on things that happen to me only from one or two aspects. Anyway, I still think it has more pro's than contra's, so I'll keep blogging for a while.

This time, again, I won't promise anything for the New Year. I'll do my best to make the best out of everything that 2007 brings. My plans so far are:

• Traveling to Japan again in August, but this time 4 other Buyu will accompany me. Tho, I have no pale-lilac idea how I will get the money for this trip.
  
• Working hard on making up with all the missing things that I need to know at my new rank. Lots of private practice with RI, B and others, in addition to the regular trainings as well. I gave a year to myself to make up with the technical requirements of the first few "bb" levels.
  
• Not making the new training group. My former instructor will have to leave the prospective group around spring, so it means that I should take over the whole group around March. I am not ready for that yet. Not because of the personal part of the thing - I know how to direct people, I could even manage the dojo - but because first I need to polish my own knowledge in order to pass on any bit of it to anyone. I can't pass on something that is not entirely mine yet.
  
• Finding a job abroad, somewhere in Europe probably, but if I would be offered a job, I would not throw away the idea of working in Canada, the States or in Japan either. One thing is sure: I am leaving this country by January 2008 the latest. Cs. and me agreed that I go first and prepare the place for him too, but we also agreed that the time I spend abroad without him will be a great opportunity for me to be alone and to think over what I want or do not want. That'll be a retreat for me that I've been waiting for so much. And we'll see if the two of us are meant to stay together or not. I feel in my guts that it will be the best timing for me to go for this "retreat" at long last.

So these are my plans roughly. And many more smaller are in my pocket, some of which are of personal nature and concerns only one or two people, so excuse me for not publishing them :)

I truly hope all of us will manage our lives well in 2007. Probably significant things are to come, as there was a relatively strong and loud earthquake an hour ago, here, at the back of beyond, where we got used to quakes only in the "Great White Ware Bowl" after a good bean-goulash :-D hehe . The intensity was 4.1 by the Richter scales and the center was here, 10 km's away. There was a similar one in Hungay in 1956 and a few months later the revolution erupted. I wonder what this one is for.

Anyhow, I wish you all my dear readers a Happy New Year, and a very lucky and prosperous year of 2007.
And as always: if you need someone to listen, a shoulder to cry on, someone to help when no one else can / wants, I am here for you, do not forget that! ;-)

B.Ú.É.K!

Almost there...

It's almost Christmas. I've finished with packing all the Honey-bread cookies and the few gifts I will give to a few people.
In the past few years however Christmas Eve's and days were a bit lonesome despite that there are always people around me who call them my family. Yeah I know it sounds strange but recently my lonely wolf nature came to light more strongly. Sometimes I just want to be left alone, in peace, with noone around me.
It's strange but I miss me, and with it something else as well. I know it sounds strange but this is the best way to describe it. That's me.

Anyway, I will give the presents happily to those whom I respect, because I love to see them happy, and I like to see that I could actually do something that makes them feel good. I start it tomorrow by Cs. and me visiting mom and greeting her. Then the day after tomorrow we go to my hometown to visit a few people from my old family. I am sure I'll get the bashing again from grandpa for why I did not go to a Law School (he's so unbearably conservative and old stylish sometimes). Also, visiting dad and configuring the net for him. My sis, her child and my bro will come to our grandparents, so at least they'll also make some effort to meet us, not only we, like always.

So as you see, I have a nice number of people in my family.

Still I feel so alone... :'( It'd be so good to tell about my feelings to somebody, but there's no such person and the burden is getting heavier every year. Good that I have this blog, at least I can write out some of it. A little part.

Craziest days of the year

It's been the last day at work today, but during these three days I've worked more than I usually do in a week.
I almost finished with all the X-mas shopping, however this year, just like a year ago, I did not make big fuzz about the whole thing. I have so many relatives and friends whom I'd like to greet that it is impossible to surprise all of them even with a small present
So people will get Honey-bread again that I make, and a nice scented candle.

I am getting more and more disgusted every year seeing how the crowds are loosing their minds from running after their dreams that they try to purchase in the name of Christmas. It's almost a race for whose present is more expensive. And of course everyone gets frustrated, tensed; trams, buses and the metro are full like cans with sardines, and of course some pretty nice swears fly by above your head. Hungarians are famous of their tawdry cursing. Then I just roll my eyes "Cool, the less days are there until Christmas Eve, the farther on we get from what it is really about".

Anyway, maybe I am too exhausted and that's why I'm grumbling so much nowadays. I feel that a two weeks long break would be so fine now. But it does not look like a close thing to come: I have to go to mom tomorrow again to do some shopping for her and then chop wood again :-/. I am curious how I will be able to do that tomorrow - I feel so much burnt out even now, that I can almost feel the smell of the smoke. J/K. Clumsy, eh?

I dedicated Friday for Honey-bread making, at least those few hours when I'll be free. I have an appointment at the dentist - last night a filling fell out of a tooth of mine and it also broke the tooth itself, so it has to be checked urgently, before the holidays. Of course, it's a Murphy's Law that it happens now when the dentist hardly has a few free minutes for me.

Anyway, after the dentist back to home continuing with Honey-bread making, then going to theater in the evening with Cs. Then next morning leaving early for Tar, visiting the Lama and greeting the guys in the Buddhist Center upon X-mas. They also get some Honey bread of course :-) (No human can ever evade his destiny: having some Honey-bread a'la Eva ]:-) Ha-Ha-Ha.

Sooo... now time to go for the nice smelling hot bath int he bathroom and hit the bed.
Maybe I'll make a cup of hot chocolate (sugar-free of course) and will be sipping it slowly in the warm bed, thinking about the good times when I was young and fresh and cheerful and adorable and energetic and full of all kinds of hopes and... *sigh* :-)

Gingerbread smelling days

Huh, damn puter... I've put down everything and it all vanished who knows why. Cool, I can start it all over again. Sooo, quickly:

I've spent just 2 hours packing all the gingerbread cookies for my friends yesterday after work. By the way, we call them honey-bread as the base of the cookie is honey and there's not even a grain of ginger in it. Then spent another 1 hour at the Post Office. 20 minutes queuing, then when it finally got to me, and asked the lady how much they are, she said it was 900 HUF (it makes about 3,5 Euro). It was suspiciously cheap. So I asked when will they arrive? She said "3 days". "By airmail?" "To overseas???" I asked. I was pretty sure that there is some serious misunderstanding here, and sure it's not the Hungarian Post Office Service which does such a great job. Then she stared at me and it turned out that I screwed up the addressing, and put my name in the "recipient" field. Had she not noticed this, I would have received all the parcels I sent by tomorrow.
So I had to crawl back again to the desks, fight for some free seats and address all the parcels again. (So guys, don't laugh too much if you find some layers of labels on the wrapping of the boxes :-P ). Queuing for 20 more minutes and finally the boxes were on their ways. I hope you guys can receive it in time ;-)

Needless to say, I was 2 hours late from the meeting with my very first instructor. But he was patient :)
I went up to his place, had some wine and we talked about the prospective dojo which now seems less and less likely to be opened. It seems that he may have to relocate to his hometown soon and since I will also go abroad for work in January 2008, it may not be a responsible thing to open a dojo. Anyway, we will discuss it in January again when he'll know more about his future.

Today at training B. and me pulled away to practice a bit of Koku, Renyo, Danshu, Danshi and Keo from JRNM.
It was the same at the previous training as well, for which I was very grateful because I could concentrate on polishing my own skills. It's interesting to see how much the point of these techniques is not the technique itself, but the principle that it applies. All of them are different on one way, and although Keo for example is simple, it is still not easy to do it correctly. You can not do it correctly if you don't understand and apply the principle of the movement.

Anyhow, I'm very tired now, so time to hit the rack.

Later more.

Rush and thoughts

I am curious what this weekend will bring.

Yesterday I left my office early as I attended the consecration of a new huge and very imposing Budo center in Budapest. It's a shame that there were only a few visitors, which was probably due to the early starting time.
We started the ceremony at 4 and finished almost at 6, so at the end I had to make it fast to the furniture shop to find a good and payable bed.
No luck tho. I had only a few minutes to look around before the shop closed.
Another rush to catch the train to home. By the time I arrived I was quite exhausted.

I was planning to attend a seminar in Hungary today and just before going to sleep I called RI to ask about the schedule so that I can leave in time this morning, but it turned out that the seminar was cancelled and only belt-tests will be held. Oh well, that's my luck.
Probably I should not have checked my mails after all these, and then I would not have sent cranky responses to a few people. Anyway, what's done, done. I hit the bed.

Now everyone is gone (thank God) and I'm alone here today.
Probably I am going to make the usual X-mas gingerbread-cookies which I usually send around X-mas time to a very few friends of mine abroad. I like kitchen work because it always gives me a good opportunity to arrange my thoughts. Right now I'm dealing with one which is on my mind periodically, since quite a while.
Have you ever had to restrain yourself for a longer period of time not to tell something important to someone? If yes, for how long could you do that?
How do you deal with things which are very important for you to share and affects the other person, but you can probably never tell to her/him otherwise s/he will disappear from your life? Sometimes I feel that maybe I should not care that much, just go ahead and tell it, and whatever happenss, that happens. I'll see. So this is the Knot of Gordius.

Anyway, time to go and buy some honey and start making those wonder--cookies. If you behave well (and send me your postal address in case I did not have it), you may also get some :)

It's my life

This morning Cs and I had a passionate discussion about having a family vs. not having.

If I look around in my near environment, I see the normal everyday Hungarian families where both parents live in a treadwheel.

Given that the financial situation is very far from good in this country, if you want to have a flat and if you don't have a rich relative from whom you could inherite an immovable, your only possibility to obtain a flat is taking a huge bank loan with really bad conditions. For 20-25 years the monthly installments of repaying the loan takes at least 50% of your salary. It means that you will be (almost literary speaking) a slave of the bank for 20-25 years. 95% of people put themselves into this yoke, but this is one thing that I am not willing to do.

The other thing is the child. I am really getting more and more annoyed and tired of hearing people asking me about my plans about having children. When I tell them "No thanks, maybe later", they keep bugging me bringing up my age and such stupid justification as "A child is important, that's the point of life". Well, thanks but I absolutely do not share this view.

Call me immature or deviant, but I honestly think that first: I have enough probles even without a kid, so I don't think I should make loads more for myself. Secondly: I don't want to put myself into a really miserable financial situation at these unstable times. Third: I really think many of those who think they are ready to bring up another life, are really not ready as a person. Honestly: how do you want to take the responsibility of bringing up another human being when you do not know even yourself? Honestly: do you know yourself? Can you trust your knowledge about life? I really think majority of the populatin is just too quick jumping into this child project. At least in Hungary. Here every 2nd marriage ends up with divorce. And I did not mention ruined marriages where the parents don't divorce just because the child is there. People jump into these decisions too quickly, without being honest to themselves and thinking it over thoroughly.

And the fourth reason: I know that I may sound very selfish and such, but I really don't want to loose different opportunities to get involved in what I like. Training, travelling freely if I want, going out when I want, just to mention a few. I think having a child would cross over all these least for a few years. No thanks, it does not worth for me.

That's why I did not jump into this flat project yet and that's why I don't have child either and I less and less intend to have one. That's what I think now. And what future brings? Who knows?

But I would really appreciate if people could leave me alone with this question. Like our neighbour. The other day we took the same train and she asked when on Earth I want to have child, as I am already turning into 32. I really had to restrain myself not to say something rude. I really hate when people or society "expect" things from me and thus they feel justified to intrude into my private life.

Also, at the beginnings when my parents started mentioning this issue I told them about my views firmly. It seems tho that they did not get this hint, so when they kept bugging me for longer and again and again, after a while I simply told them: "If you want to have a grandchild, solve it yourself. I don't want to ruin my life."

I really hate this kind of speach but nothing else works.

Since then they never mentioned it :-D

Life is expensive

Yesterday I visited mom again to chop some wood for her and to greet her on her b-day. She's 54 and does not look good at all :-( Life tortured her quite much but honestly I think in most of the cases she can blame only herself. The rest of the unlucky events always came from out of the blue. It seems that trouble always finds her somehow. I never believed in such before, but recently I really started to suspect that there is some curse on her or what... I will try to find out what's going on because the most unbelievable unfortunate events happen with her, some of which could even win a prize like the Darwin-prize, and at the end it is always me who has to pull her out from the troubles. I can do it at the moment but I am getting tired of it and I started to exhaust my financial resources. It's really annoying that I am not able to plan my life financially on a long run because I have to spend huge amounts on making sure she can survive financially. Anyway, she got a wonderful King-Lilly bouquet now. I spent there a few hours and then came back home.

Today I summarized my realized and forthcoming expenses for December and I almost got a heart attack. I have to spend almost 1000 Euro this month which is a smaller fortune for me. This is my monthly gross salary. Gross!
Monthly tickets for local transportation in Budapest and the monthly train tickets, food, apartment rental fee, internet, travel back to my hometown for Xmas, my monthly repayment to the bank for the loan I took for the Japan trip, training fee, seminar fee for February with T. F., airplane tickets, accommodation... and the huge extra: need to buy a new bed because the current foam mat I sleep on, completely lost its shape. Now there's a huge hole in the middle which means that my back and neck is in continuous tension during the night. I have not been able to have a good sleep since about I returned from Japan. (Oh, that mat was so cool!) So this new bed-project will pull away an extra 200 Euro from my wallet.

If it goes on like this, it will be a real miracle if I will be able to make it to Japan in next August.
I need to find a solution to save money for the trip. But URGENTLY.

A pinch of responsibility

I was asked to hold the first part of yesterday's training because IR was supposed to be late, due to their military-exhibition at the Expo. I left my office half an hour earlier so that I can be there in time and start the training. A few minutes before 5.30 pm IR arrived so at the end the training started up normally. However after the warmup and ukemi part he asked me to take over the group while he pulled aside with one of the beginners who was supposed to take his test in a week.

Since all the guys were complete beginners (except for B who's an ikkyu), I tought it was a perfect opportunity to go through the very basics, like kamae and the basic punches.

We did Ichimonji and Ihen no kamae, the transition from one into the other, and also covered Fudo ken, Omote and Ura Shuto, Boshi ken. We also started learning jodan uke. The guys are all good and enthusiastic.

There are two guys who came about two weeks ago with their incredible idea of what a ninja is like. Also, they have a little problem behaving the way they should in the dojo. They tend to think that everything is allowed (even refusing to do what the instructor tells them to) just 'cos the athmosphere is friendly. But soon some kento and long minutes spent in Ichimonji made it clear to them that they're there for learning and not for having fun. Yesterday one of them was missing (I wonder if it's permanent or temporary :-) ), but the other guy seems to take training seriously. We'll see.

There's also one guy who has serious difficulties with his movement-coordination, but he is unbelieveably diligent and motivated. So I'll have to pay some extra attention to him.

Also, I spoke a few words about my present situation, not going too deeply into details as first of all, given that they're complete beginners, they're not familiar with how things are in Bujinkan. Second, because I don't want anyone to form any negative opinion about anybody affected in this issue. I told them that I don't know for how long I am staying, and the other day I also asked them to not call me "Sensei", but call me on my name instead.

Anyway, IR is kind of throwing me in the "deep water" sometimes, when he asks me to take over the group for a while. At least that's what I feel. Maybe it does not hurt because since then I've recognized a few things in my own taijutsu that I have to work on. Also, it's a good insight to see what it is like when people expect a certain level of knowledge and guidance at this rank.

One thing even now I know for sure: whatever rank I will ever get from this point on, I will never make it public, not even in my own circle of friends. It may be understood as a kind of "escape" from responsibility, but it's rather that:

• I don't want people to treat me the way they do because of the rank I have. I want them to like me for myself and to be my friend because I am who I am

• I want to preserve the privilege to be allowed to learn and to be a student, and not always expected to do everything perfectly. I don't envy the very high level instructors. If a person with their rank makes some mistake (just because we are all humans), they're judged much more than "everyday" people. They're kind automatically put on a pedestal.

One of my friends (S.) does it very well. Noone (except for a very few people I think) knows his actual rank. We just know that he took the "Big Swing" about 6-7 years ago or so. Now I understand why he did not make it public and I very much agree with it. (Btw, S, what's your rank? :-D )

Concerning the training group that is supposed to start up in January: I still need to discuss some details with my very first instructor. It was his idea to start the group and asked me to help in that. I don't know how my life will be, but it's very likely that I will go abroad in a year for work, so we really have to clarify what kind of role he was counting with for me in the prospective dojo.